TGIF - Homer J Simpson Style

Homer says some funny stuff. Some of his best is 

15) But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. 

14) Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. 




13) I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! 


12) [When Holmer met Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! 


11) When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! 


10) Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

9) mmmm…unexplained bacon

8) English side ruined, must read French side. La Grille?? The hell is that?

7) How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

6) Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me?

5) I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

4) English? Who needs that, I’m never going to England.

3) I’ve masturbated 10 billion times and have no plans to stop masturbating in the future

2) If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. Ah Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

1) Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Holding your hand for Satisfaction

Monday dawns with a quote I like running around in my mind:

"The difference between the Rolling Stones & the Beatles is - that the Beatles only want to hold your hand but the Rolling Stones can't get no Satisfaction"

Yes watching repeat of Art Nation. Still sad it's been pulled. Still not happy with Aunty (the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC)) about this decision. Like the New Inventors not everything on television should be there because it amasses large audiences.

Some things need to be broadcast because they serve a community purpose (like the New Inventors) or they create a balance or variety of content.

It seems to me if "mass popularity" were the only guide we would ended up with viewing choices amounting to Masterchef type programs, Renovation Shows etc and nothing much else. All of which are already over provided by commercial channels and not in need of funding or support from a public broadcaster.

Another example of this niche role is the Gruen Transfer a program about advertising that would never have got to air on commercial TV but which is a hit on ABC & has found an audience.

The ABC should allow the commercial stations to be commercial and focus on it's role of providing a variety of content and place where new ideas get a chance.

A Tale about Real Men

A tale about Male toughness..

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

---

Tech gone WRONG - E-MAIL Fail!

A priceless one from the technology gone wrong files. The lesson to be learned that emails with the wrong email address just don't vanish in cyber space.

A Sydney couple decided to go to Cairns to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon many years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Sydney and flew to Cairns on Thursday, with his wife to fly down on
the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel where there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a pastor who was called to the next life following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

HAPPY 30th Birthday DOS!

Out Africa more than Elephants!

Sure - It's a frickin elephant!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!

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From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read yesterday. One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked . . .
What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does . . .

" A frican Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!
Ain't it wonderful?
Now that's funny!!

My Little Haikuthon

Some thoughts and ideas in haiku form.

Elegant words
A true prophet
Blogger Bolted

Are you laughing?
A game called life
Deadly serious.

Devolution not evolution
None are getting smarter
God told them so!

Black ice Yellow snow
Red skies Orange clouds
Weapons make Rainbows

The Internet is a road
A whole new world
A road I never knew

The storm screams
The weatherman tells of its presence
Such Invaluable news

Clean energy future
Built on dirty past
Carbon tax the musical

A Haiku for NOWT
Many elegant words
Murdoch has Pressed
From their phones

The truth is out there
But we are not
It's raining
#XfiledHaiku

Black ice
Yellow snow
Red skies
Only a 5% reduction
carbon price Haiku

Composting
Decay for Life
Gardening
Gardening Australia Haiku

The Retired Husband

A long but funny story told in the first person.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to K-Mart

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local K-Mart:

Dear Mrs Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.