Funny Twain Lines

Never realised how funny Merk Twain was till I saw this list of quotes:

• "I never let schooling interfere with my education.”


• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
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And more like ....

• “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.”


• “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”


• “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”


• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”


• “Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”


• “We have the best government that money can buy.”

God v Red Tape

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth.

Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.

He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day " and the darkness "Night. " Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. "The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth. " Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell."

Stupidity Relief or the Dumb Things People Say

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this list up and read it and I guarantee you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

 Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," - Miss Alabama in the 1994 (Note: On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Maria H Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . 
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," - A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." - Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." - Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." - Kep Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


So do you feel smarter yet?

Everyman's Guide to Computer Speak

The time has come for a plain and basic guide to computer terms. A list of meanings that really express what people feel is needed. The following is just that. It is something designed for those wanting to know what the "big words" and not so big words really mean.




BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer! "

DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.

ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look. "

EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").

HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.

RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.

TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.

TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up."

Funny Definitions

Below is a list of  Washington Post  winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. 

The winners were:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

I think these are very funny. Do you have any more to add? I am thinking of starting a collection.

Favorite Quotes from the Past Year or So

Below are some of my favorite quotes collected from various bits of reading over the past year. Quotations also have the Source and Author because I don't want anyone thinking they're just made up.


Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) US writer and humorist. Found this on a desk calendar and am still chuckling:  "All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."


G. H. Hardy English mathematician (1877 - 1947). A quip from an essay about democracy I was reading on Wikipedia. Sometimes humor points out the flaws in a concept to quickly:
"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."


Oscar Wilde always good but this one is like a sharp pin: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."


H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 - 1956) "All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it."


Anatole France  "To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture."


Kurt Herbert Alder "Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right."


Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance "There is an evil tendency underlying all our technology - the tendency to do what is reasonable even when it isn't any good."


Orson Welles from a biography in an online movie Database: "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."


George Bernard Shaw "Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability."


British actor Peter Ustinov "It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously."


Doris Egan "Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people."


Capt Jack Harkness last episode of Torchwood "The end is where we start!"


Kurt Vonnegut in an Encyclopedia of ScFi "One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us."


William James (not a Dons Party quote) "A great many people think they are thinking when they are actually rearranging their prejudices."  


Quotes are quite collectible. I like new ones so let me know of any worth chasing up.

Talking bout My Garden OR My Pot only has Herbs

Why do I do it?

The more I putter around in the back garden the more I find myself getting into the whole idea of growing things and making it happen. Just the idea of self sufficiency is attractive.

Photos and comments on the story so far

Here are some pictures I took today of my recent garden developments and things that were going on there today.

Main garden plot

The main plot I have put together in an elevated bed made from old pool paving that I had retained after we disposed of our dilapidated above ground pool .

Before planting I have added horse and chicken manure for nutrients as well as some blood and bone. For the second planting I have moved things about so that plants do not get planted in exactly the same spot each time. This is supposed to help keep the soil fertile.

Mainly I am concentrating on shallow rooting salad vegetables - rocket, iceberg lettuce and cucumbers.

Water at the moment is not a problem as I have installed two new tanks to take all the water off our garage and these are right beside the garden bed and easy to fetch water from when its needed.

Also featuring in my garden in various pots that have been located in shady areas or from hanging baskets is a selection of herb plants and cherry tomato plants.

From left to right - Salad mixed,
More Basil, Rosemary, Sage and
Parsley

From top to Bottom - Basil & Chives,
 Chinese Cabbage,
 Mustard Seed and Cress 

As is plain to see Miss Lilly the cat licks to help in the garden.
Here she is chatting with Madam Iris the flower

Obviously Miss Lilly gets deeply involved in the workload of the garden and treasurers any shady spot she can find. The Iris are a beautiful flower and their deep purple buds short lasting though they are do give wonderful colour to my garden when they are out and blooming.

I will post more pictures as things grow and evolve.