Headlines the made the Tabloids Famous - Part 1

Having been sent a collection of quite amusing ill considered tabloid newspaper headlines its time to continue sharing them. Here are the first few.

Watch his space for more!

Merry Christmas thoughts

Today as it is a funny type of Christmas Day - not your hot sunny Christmas day of the Travel & postcard type but somewhat soggy and wet. So as I sit playing with the new bluetooth keyboard on my iPad and muse how sometimes the tested things are the best my thoughts are floating about several ideas.

Having tried to type with my thumbs on my iPad Screen at any kind of speed I have now ditched the idea of doing any serious kind of typing on screen and returned to the imperfect world of the QWERTY keyboard which while also not a perfect device does provide the ability to use more than two fingers (or in my case just Mr Pointer). Amusing that the QWERTY was actually designed with the keys arranged the way they are in an effort to slow the would be speed demon female typists of the early 20th century so the would not gum the works of mechanical type-weiters. Amusing because the human spirit as it always does adapted and found it could touch type and thwart the QWERTY design. Now the why is lost and what we find is we can't do without the QWERTY design.

How does this relate to Christmas? Well its the same story in some ways it can be that religion does not alway live up to expectation but at least the spirit is right and it kind of gets us there in the end - so much so that one is left to thinking well I can't just keep typing with my thumbs?

Merry Christmas one and all... and a happy new year. Lets make it a good one.

The Lost Xmas Episode of the X Filles

I always loved the premise of the X Files most of all because the show took itself so seriously. This is a really funny send up of it which I have posted before but thought it was worth a rerun:

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some thing.

Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice. "

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully:Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder - a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive - and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head,

Scully: IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S. E. T. I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D. C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, On the roof. It sounds like... a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter..."

Political Correctness and other Verbage

Sometimes I am amused how people think that turning a well understood term or phrase into a sentence aids communication. Nor is it clear why such a process is believed to make harsh words easier to take. The very notion of "Political Correctness" is a misconception implying for example that it is some how wrong to tell a blind person he is blind and can't see but ok to be inaccurate and call them "visually challenged". Fact is blind people can't see and their real challenge is that and not anything visual, just coping with the darkness of being unable to see.

It seems to me if we paid more attention to being correct and less to being "politically correct" there'd be better communication and understanding.

This prompted by the following humorous PC list of possible alternate terms -

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT but has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER but he is RHYTHMICALLY UNDER RESOURCED

The Librarian did not GET LOST IN HER OWN LIBRARY ALL THE TIME but she INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND its just that he is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING just in a state of FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

She is not a CRADLE SNATCHER she just prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL. RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK but he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG but he is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT but he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK but he has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He was not a GROPING PERVERT but suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS but has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

She does not IGNORE YOU but has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

They are not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB they just LACK HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

Its not not that they act like a TOTAL ASS they just developed a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

Writing Tips of the Fun Kind

The following is a humorous list of writing tips:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. "
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives."

Common Sense Definitions

This is a list of Common Sense definitions not to be taken too seriously and definitely with a grain of salt....

A is for

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B is for

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mother to be a self-cleaning facility.

C is for

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps the minutes and often wastes the hours.

D is for

DATE: Infrequent outings with dad where mother can enjoy worrying about the family in a different environment and surroundings.

E is for

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

F is for

FABLE: A story often told by a teenager arriving home later than promised. Alternative is politicians explaining policies.

G is for

GUM: Adhesive for use in many common emergencies, cracked radiators, loose hair-piece, wobbly dentures.

H is for

HINDSIGHT: The parental experience that comes from changing too many diapers.

I is for

INFLATION: A method for cutting money in half without damaging the paper it's printed on.

J is for

JUNK: What mother calls Dad's stuff and Dad calls mothers stuff.

K is for

KISS: Mothers most effective medicine. Dads favorite treatment.

L is for

LEMONADE STAND: US concept by which complex business venture created requiring mother to buy powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups and sets up a table (lemonade stand) chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit at stand there for three to six minutes and netting a profit of 15 cents.

M is for

MAYBE: When spoken by parents means No. Uttered by politicians means "don't know"!

N is for

NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make older women look better while making their young daughters look "like a tramps."

O is for

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mothers nickname for Dad.

P is for

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind swings under her skirt.

Q is for

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left home.

R is for

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner found in the kitchen.

S is for

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandparents.

T is for

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS ".

U is for

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V is for

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W is for

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X is for

XOXOXO: Motherly salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y is for

"YIPPEE! ": What mother's shout the first day of school.

Z is for

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it."

Please add more words if you are so inclined.

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard

I found this from this 80s view of the working world from the Seinfeld Show to be very funny. The following are George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard.

"Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do."

Might have been the 80s but this is still accurate today. Work is more about perception than what things really are.

Trivia can be Interesting

Some interest trivia facts received from a friendly email worth sharing:

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich.
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed
using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document.

The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.
To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.


Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime
which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.


Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud.
If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term Caddie come from?

A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France, learned she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.

To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a
military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'.

When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.'
When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from
shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because
they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Me and Mr Rabbit

On the way to work one day last week I way confronted by something out of the ordinary. There near an ordinary garden fence was the tamest fattest big brown floppy eared rabbit.


I walked up to it via the footpath near the fence and stood no more than six inches away from it. It looked at me out of the side of one large rounded pea-shaped eye as if to say "can't talk now - busy eating". Then it went back to the clump of grass it was eating and continued chewing, chomp, chomp, chomp its jaw.


I was so amazed by its placid tameness that I got my camera out and took some photos of it. Alas at this point Mr Rabbit decided to be a shy creature again and disappeared through the bars in the fence and out of view behind the house it had been in front of when I first saw it. Not a bit like the more famous White Mr Rabbit that spent its time chatting to Alice even though he was late for a very important date. Nor was he imaginary like Harvey the one seen by Jimmy Stewart the main character in "Its a Wonderful Life". And not in any way sinister or dark like the rabbit that kept turning up for Donny Darko.


Makes you think how much humans are taken by Rabbits. How much we like to ponder on this little creature who  apart from its placid nature can only really lay claim to breeding often as a major skill set. A skill set that has seen it become a fertilty symbol, a religious symbol and a food source.


On resuming my trip to work I could not help making the anology that at the moment we are beset by another Mr Rabbit who is far from shy and has made posturing before cameras an art form. Wish he was imaginery and a little less sinister.
  

The Banister of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of  Life - some points to remember . . . 1. Life is full of double meanings, for example:   lay preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written  an impressive new book called . . .   'Ministers Do More  Than Lay People'  2. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.  3.  Your mind works like lightning,  One brilliant FLASH and it's gone.  4. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.    5. You get to hate sex in the movies.  Once you try it you find that: the seat folded up, the drinks spill and the ice, well . . . it really chills the mood.  6. It used to be only death and taxes!!! Now there's also shipping and handling.  7. A mans house should have no kitchen just Vending machines and a  large garbage bin.  8. Definition of a teenager should be . . .  God's punishment...for enjoying sex.  So as you slide down the banister of life,  May the splinters never point the wrong way!!    And remember to be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

 

Some famous Comic Love Lines

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. Whatever it is there are some funny comments made about it. Here are just a few...

David Bissonnette I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henry Youngman It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Laurence J. Peter If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Unknown If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

John Barrymore Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

The GW Bush Junior Top 10

Some pearls among the many gems to come forth from the mouth of one GW Bush Junior.

Reading these is enough to bring on faith as surely there must be a God if this man led the free world and war was avoided:

(10) They misunderestimated me.

(9) See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda

(8) I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

(7) I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president.

(6) The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th.

(5) Tribal sovereignty means that. It’s sovereign. You’re a ... you’re a ... you’ve been given sovereignty and you’re viewed as a sovereign entity

(4) I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.

(3) Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

(2) If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator

(1) There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

TGIF - Homer J Simpson Style

Homer says some funny stuff. Some of his best is 

15) But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. 

14) Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. 




13) I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! 


12) [When Holmer met Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! 


11) When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! 


10) Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

9) mmmm…unexplained bacon

8) English side ruined, must read French side. La Grille?? The hell is that?

7) How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

6) Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me?

5) I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

4) English? Who needs that, I’m never going to England.

3) I’ve masturbated 10 billion times and have no plans to stop masturbating in the future

2) If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. Ah Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

1) Operator! Give me the number for 911!

A Tale about Real Men

A tale about Male toughness..

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

---

Tech gone WRONG - E-MAIL Fail!

A priceless one from the technology gone wrong files. The lesson to be learned that emails with the wrong email address just don't vanish in cyber space.

A Sydney couple decided to go to Cairns to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon many years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Sydney and flew to Cairns on Thursday, with his wife to fly down on
the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel where there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a pastor who was called to the next life following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

HAPPY 30th Birthday DOS!

Out Africa more than Elephants!

Sure - It's a frickin elephant!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!

---

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read yesterday. One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked . . .
What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does . . .

" A frican Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!
Ain't it wonderful?
Now that's funny!!

My Little Haikuthon

Some thoughts and ideas in haiku form.

Elegant words
A true prophet
Blogger Bolted

Are you laughing?
A game called life
Deadly serious.

Devolution not evolution
None are getting smarter
God told them so!

Black ice Yellow snow
Red skies Orange clouds
Weapons make Rainbows

The Internet is a road
A whole new world
A road I never knew

The storm screams
The weatherman tells of its presence
Such Invaluable news

Clean energy future
Built on dirty past
Carbon tax the musical

A Haiku for NOWT
Many elegant words
Murdoch has Pressed
From their phones

The truth is out there
But we are not
It's raining
#XfiledHaiku

Black ice
Yellow snow
Red skies
Only a 5% reduction
carbon price Haiku

Composting
Decay for Life
Gardening
Gardening Australia Haiku

The Retired Husband

A long but funny story told in the first person.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to K-Mart

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local K-Mart:

Dear Mrs Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Top 10 things Said by Arnold Alois Schwarzeneger

(yes Alois is real midddle name)

10. “We didn’t get to da chopper in time.”

9 “Come with me if you want to live”

8. “I like you so I’ll kill you last?”

7. “I’ll be back!” (for at least two sequels!)

6. “It’s not a Tumour!” (its my chin!)

5. “You can’t trust these guys!” (no not Cyberdine the Republicans)

4. “Are you Sarah Connor?” (to vending machine in California Govs Office)

3. “Don’t be such a girly boy!” (advice to George Bush Jnr)

2. “Are you John Connor?” (to water cooler in California Govs Office)

1. “Hasta la vista baby!” (traditional greeting to Cal Govs domestic staff)

Funny Twain Lines

Never realised how funny Merk Twain was till I saw this list of quotes:

• "I never let schooling interfere with my education.”


• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
  .

And more like ....

• “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.”


• “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”


• “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”


• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”


• “Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”


• “We have the best government that money can buy.”