Common Sense Definitions

This is a list of Common Sense definitions not to be taken too seriously and definitely with a grain of salt....

A is for

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B is for

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mother to be a self-cleaning facility.

C is for

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps the minutes and often wastes the hours.

D is for

DATE: Infrequent outings with dad where mother can enjoy worrying about the family in a different environment and surroundings.

E is for

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

F is for

FABLE: A story often told by a teenager arriving home later than promised. Alternative is politicians explaining policies.

G is for

GUM: Adhesive for use in many common emergencies, cracked radiators, loose hair-piece, wobbly dentures.

H is for

HINDSIGHT: The parental experience that comes from changing too many diapers.

I is for

INFLATION: A method for cutting money in half without damaging the paper it's printed on.

J is for

JUNK: What mother calls Dad's stuff and Dad calls mothers stuff.

K is for

KISS: Mothers most effective medicine. Dads favorite treatment.

L is for

LEMONADE STAND: US concept by which complex business venture created requiring mother to buy powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups and sets up a table (lemonade stand) chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit at stand there for three to six minutes and netting a profit of 15 cents.

M is for

MAYBE: When spoken by parents means No. Uttered by politicians means "don't know"!

N is for

NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make older women look better while making their young daughters look "like a tramps."

O is for

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mothers nickname for Dad.

P is for

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind swings under her skirt.

Q is for

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left home.

R is for

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner found in the kitchen.

S is for

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandparents.

T is for

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS ".

U is for

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V is for

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W is for

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X is for

XOXOXO: Motherly salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y is for

"YIPPEE! ": What mother's shout the first day of school.

Z is for

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it."

Please add more words if you are so inclined.

Discrimination grows with Age

Choosing one thing in favor of another is a normal part of life or so you think! That is until the thing being chosen is other people over you. Chosen because they are perhaps younger, less experienced but cheaper to employ. It's such a loud penny when it drops that at first it does leave you in shock. But you quickly realize that age based discrimination is with all our laws and tribunals alive and well in this marvelous if not often uncharitable world of ours.

I once saw a film about the Eskimos that showed that when their old folk got too old to chew leather because their teeth are gone they are left to the snow and the polar bear to be eaten and return in the spirit of the hunt and in that way be useful to the tribe. Then I thought how cruel how barbarous. Now I have second thoughts and think at least in their way there is some dignity. Our way is to just slowly strip the old of self esteem, then respect and then to chuck them on the scrap pile of some nursing home verandah to quietly forget about them.

These are just some grey thoughts for a bleak day. But would it not be good to be able to feel worthwhile and valued beyond what some stingy tight assed boss who is just as old as you thinks is your use by date. Know I feel it now I'm in my 50s and bet I'm not alone!

Age is like a wall for the longer it last the bigger and more impressive
 it gets and  the more holes  start to appear in it.

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard

I found this from this 80s view of the working world from the Seinfeld Show to be very funny. The following are George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard.

"Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do."

Might have been the 80s but this is still accurate today. Work is more about perception than what things really are.

How my Garden Grows

Some pictures of my garden front and back. Flowers are blooming and all is looking good...

Flowering blue Irisis in my back garden.

Tropical plants with bright red bulbous flowers.

Veggie garden is under way with all the staples growing. Cucumber, Salad and lettuce.

Lemon Balm and various herbs sre doing well.

Love being surrounded by beautiful plants.

Trivia can be Interesting

Some interest trivia facts received from a friendly email worth sharing:

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich.
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed
using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document.

The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.
To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.


Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime
which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.


Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud.
If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term Caddie come from?

A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France, learned she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.

To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a
military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'.

When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.'
When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from
shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because
they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Western Adventure - Photos

Some photos from the trip so far.

Western Adventure - Day 4 & 5

A long drive down the middle of WA to Esperance awaited us on Day 4 but we got up early and took again to our travels.

The drive wound through a very interesting part of the state of WA passing as it did through mining towns like Norseman. The town named for it's rather famous horse who kicked a clump of soil and apparently discovered the nugget which lead to a gold rush. Needless to say the horse now has it's own statue which stands proudly in the town park.

All the way down we passed signs pointing to the various mines and we could see even from the car the obvious signs of mining occurring at a rapid pace.

Closer to Esperance we passed the Pink lake and several other smaller lakes like it - all colored a strange pink color having taken on the red of the soil and chemicals around them.

Around lunch time we arrived in Esperance and drove around searching for our digs. At first we were looking for a conventional hotel called the "Dodropin" with some trepidation I might say thinking of the jokes associated with such names. Amazingly it turned out to be a well hidden bed and breakfast in a self-contained apartment set up in the nicest Dutch Barn style building.

After settling in we took off to explore Esperance which turned out mostly to be a nice beach side village. A nice place for swimming and fishing in the hot whether but not that much to see thats unique or noteworthy. We did manage to find a rather good town museum to while away a few hours and also found an interesting jetty to look at. Other than that though there was not much to do in Esperance.

Next a very, very long drive to Albany (480 km)...

We got up very early the next day and departed the Barn for the former Whaling town of Albany.

Prepared for a long day in the car we were actually quite surprised to reach our destination by lunch time.

We found our hotel and settled in. Then off to explore Albany.

Albany turned out to be a really nice place that we were looking forward to spending 2 days in. Lots of nice interesting looking shops and eating places in the main street. Our first stop was to find a nice place to have lunch after the long drive. This we did at a nice place called "Venice Restaurant" where we had garlic squid with chips and salad.

After lunch we went for a drive. First thing we encountered was the museum built around the ship Amity a replica of the original square rigger that brought the first convict settlers to Albany.

After looking around the Amity we went for a drive up Mt Melville to the look out which was amazing for the view it gave of Albany harbor and King Georges Sound. We then found that there was a restored military fort called Fort Princes Royal on Mt Melville. Here we discovered some interesting history. Apparently Albany was the meeting point for the Imperial Expeditionary Forces - the ANZACs and the 26 ships that carried those troops to the middle east left from here. We had a great afternoon exploring.

Tomorrow more of Albany including Whale world ...

Western Adventure - Day 3

Saw us hit the road early from Hayden and head to Narenbeen then up to Mildren following the Eastern Highway to Southern Cross, making our way to Kalgoorlie the heart of the Goldfields & furthest place East we would go by car (about 380k of driving).

Coolgardie which was along the way is now very much a ghost town even though it once teemed with prospectors and people searching for gold. The mining registry was the biggest and most interesting building in town.

Kalgoolie was an unexpected surprise in that it was quite a large city with quite an interesting main street and a mining museum. Like most of WA there was no shortage of pubs or for the more trendy bars to score a drink. Very much a male town, very much dominated by mining and men in luminescent vest and work boots driving around in 4 wheel drives (Toyotta must love WA).

Was interested to see how much work there was going though and even the amount of signs around the place looking for workers.

Visited the mining museum and saw a very interesting exhibit on Aboriginal land rights as well as the normal exhibit on the gold mining.

Next - day 4 another 300k plus & Esperance ...

Western Adventure - Day 2

Day 2 saw us leave the New Essperence Hotel Perth bound for Wave Rock some 350 km East. The rain from the previous day had well and truly set in and it seems that Cheryl and I keep going to place that are usually hot only to find them bleak and wet. An early start saw us make good time and by lunch we had reached Hayden and were only 4 km from the famous rock.

Having checked in at the Wave Rock Hotel we drove on to the rock. The rock was a truly impressive piece of natural sculpture being as it looks in the pictures I had seen of it - very much a petrified curved wall of stone looking like a perfect wave.
There were some amazing wildflowers growing around and near the rock. Some nice red ones and other yellow and orange star shaped one. We walked around the rock for a distance but then it started to rain so we went back to the restaurant and souvenir shop where we saw some amazing black swans swimming in the pool at the back of the restaurant. Had a niece pie with salad for lunch. After lunch we drove back to the hotel and unloaded our bags and gear.

After we settled in to our room we decided to go back and take another look at Wave Rock. This time we took a longer walk toward Hippos Mouth as it is known but we turned back as I was worried that it might rain and we had no umbrella.

I enjoyed seeing Wave Rock and found it an interesting place. I was rather amazed at the noise the wind makes as it blows past the rock - it sounds very much like the sound made by cars as they fight there way to work. Quite an eerie spooky feeling ...

Western Adventure - Day 1

The first day of the trip started early. Up by 4.00 am to get ready for a 5.00am shuttle to Sydney Domestic Terminal to catch our 8.00am flight. All went well and I was surprised to see the airport was not choked with folk trying to fly out for the school holidays.

We took off a little late but had a smooth uneventful flight in which I caught up with some in flight movies. Really liked one called "Source Code" which I had not seen before,

After arriving & picking up our car a little red Hyundai Coupe we arrived at our hotel to be told we would need to wait 2 hours for our room. Not what you want when you got up early & find you have gained 2 hours flying across the country. Anyway we had some lunch, found an IGA for groceries & are back in our room for an early night. Tomorrow the journey starts as we head East (not West which sounds unusual ) to Wave Rock for our next stop on the road trip.

Did you know that in WA shops actually close on Sunday. We could not find a chemist that was open, we did however, find at least a dozen pubs that were. No surprises there. Worse news in WA digital TV equals 5 channels - how rude!

Me and Mr Rabbit

On the way to work one day last week I way confronted by something out of the ordinary. There near an ordinary garden fence was the tamest fattest big brown floppy eared rabbit.


I walked up to it via the footpath near the fence and stood no more than six inches away from it. It looked at me out of the side of one large rounded pea-shaped eye as if to say "can't talk now - busy eating". Then it went back to the clump of grass it was eating and continued chewing, chomp, chomp, chomp its jaw.


I was so amazed by its placid tameness that I got my camera out and took some photos of it. Alas at this point Mr Rabbit decided to be a shy creature again and disappeared through the bars in the fence and out of view behind the house it had been in front of when I first saw it. Not a bit like the more famous White Mr Rabbit that spent its time chatting to Alice even though he was late for a very important date. Nor was he imaginary like Harvey the one seen by Jimmy Stewart the main character in "Its a Wonderful Life". And not in any way sinister or dark like the rabbit that kept turning up for Donny Darko.


Makes you think how much humans are taken by Rabbits. How much we like to ponder on this little creature who  apart from its placid nature can only really lay claim to breeding often as a major skill set. A skill set that has seen it become a fertilty symbol, a religious symbol and a food source.


On resuming my trip to work I could not help making the anology that at the moment we are beset by another Mr Rabbit who is far from shy and has made posturing before cameras an art form. Wish he was imaginery and a little less sinister.
  

The Banister of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of  Life - some points to remember . . . 1. Life is full of double meanings, for example:   lay preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written  an impressive new book called . . .   'Ministers Do More  Than Lay People'  2. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.  3.  Your mind works like lightning,  One brilliant FLASH and it's gone.  4. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.    5. You get to hate sex in the movies.  Once you try it you find that: the seat folded up, the drinks spill and the ice, well . . . it really chills the mood.  6. It used to be only death and taxes!!! Now there's also shipping and handling.  7. A mans house should have no kitchen just Vending machines and a  large garbage bin.  8. Definition of a teenager should be . . .  God's punishment...for enjoying sex.  So as you slide down the banister of life,  May the splinters never point the wrong way!!    And remember to be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

 

Some famous Comic Love Lines

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. Whatever it is there are some funny comments made about it. Here are just a few...

David Bissonnette I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henry Youngman It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Laurence J. Peter If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Unknown If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

John Barrymore Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

The GW Bush Junior Top 10

Some pearls among the many gems to come forth from the mouth of one GW Bush Junior.

Reading these is enough to bring on faith as surely there must be a God if this man led the free world and war was avoided:

(10) They misunderestimated me.

(9) See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda

(8) I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

(7) I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president.

(6) The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th.

(5) Tribal sovereignty means that. It’s sovereign. You’re a ... you’re a ... you’ve been given sovereignty and you’re viewed as a sovereign entity

(4) I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.

(3) Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

(2) If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator

(1) There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

TGIF - Homer J Simpson Style

Homer says some funny stuff. Some of his best is 

15) But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. 

14) Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. 




13) I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! 


12) [When Holmer met Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! 


11) When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! 


10) Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

9) mmmm…unexplained bacon

8) English side ruined, must read French side. La Grille?? The hell is that?

7) How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

6) Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me?

5) I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

4) English? Who needs that, I’m never going to England.

3) I’ve masturbated 10 billion times and have no plans to stop masturbating in the future

2) If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. Ah Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

1) Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Holding your hand for Satisfaction

Monday dawns with a quote I like running around in my mind:

"The difference between the Rolling Stones & the Beatles is - that the Beatles only want to hold your hand but the Rolling Stones can't get no Satisfaction"

Yes watching repeat of Art Nation. Still sad it's been pulled. Still not happy with Aunty (the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC)) about this decision. Like the New Inventors not everything on television should be there because it amasses large audiences.

Some things need to be broadcast because they serve a community purpose (like the New Inventors) or they create a balance or variety of content.

It seems to me if "mass popularity" were the only guide we would ended up with viewing choices amounting to Masterchef type programs, Renovation Shows etc and nothing much else. All of which are already over provided by commercial channels and not in need of funding or support from a public broadcaster.

Another example of this niche role is the Gruen Transfer a program about advertising that would never have got to air on commercial TV but which is a hit on ABC & has found an audience.

The ABC should allow the commercial stations to be commercial and focus on it's role of providing a variety of content and place where new ideas get a chance.

A Tale about Real Men

A tale about Male toughness..

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

---

Tech gone WRONG - E-MAIL Fail!

A priceless one from the technology gone wrong files. The lesson to be learned that emails with the wrong email address just don't vanish in cyber space.

A Sydney couple decided to go to Cairns to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon many years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Sydney and flew to Cairns on Thursday, with his wife to fly down on
the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel where there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a pastor who was called to the next life following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

HAPPY 30th Birthday DOS!

Out Africa more than Elephants!

Sure - It's a frickin elephant!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!

---

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read yesterday. One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked . . .
What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does . . .

" A frican Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!
Ain't it wonderful?
Now that's funny!!

My Little Haikuthon

Some thoughts and ideas in haiku form.

Elegant words
A true prophet
Blogger Bolted

Are you laughing?
A game called life
Deadly serious.

Devolution not evolution
None are getting smarter
God told them so!

Black ice Yellow snow
Red skies Orange clouds
Weapons make Rainbows

The Internet is a road
A whole new world
A road I never knew

The storm screams
The weatherman tells of its presence
Such Invaluable news

Clean energy future
Built on dirty past
Carbon tax the musical

A Haiku for NOWT
Many elegant words
Murdoch has Pressed
From their phones

The truth is out there
But we are not
It's raining
#XfiledHaiku

Black ice
Yellow snow
Red skies
Only a 5% reduction
carbon price Haiku

Composting
Decay for Life
Gardening
Gardening Australia Haiku

The Retired Husband

A long but funny story told in the first person.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to K-Mart

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local K-Mart:

Dear Mrs Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Top 10 things Said by Arnold Alois Schwarzeneger

(yes Alois is real midddle name)

10. “We didn’t get to da chopper in time.”

9 “Come with me if you want to live”

8. “I like you so I’ll kill you last?”

7. “I’ll be back!” (for at least two sequels!)

6. “It’s not a Tumour!” (its my chin!)

5. “You can’t trust these guys!” (no not Cyberdine the Republicans)

4. “Are you Sarah Connor?” (to vending machine in California Govs Office)

3. “Don’t be such a girly boy!” (advice to George Bush Jnr)

2. “Are you John Connor?” (to water cooler in California Govs Office)

1. “Hasta la vista baby!” (traditional greeting to Cal Govs domestic staff)

Funny Twain Lines

Never realised how funny Merk Twain was till I saw this list of quotes:

• "I never let schooling interfere with my education.”


• “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
  .

And more like ....

• “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.”


• “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”


• “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”


• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”


• “Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”


• “We have the best government that money can buy.”

God v Red Tape

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth.

Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.

He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day " and the darkness "Night. " Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. "The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth. " Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell."

Stupidity Relief or the Dumb Things People Say

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this list up and read it and I guarantee you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

 Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," - Miss Alabama in the 1994 (Note: On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Maria H Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . 
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," - A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." - Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." - Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." - Kep Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


So do you feel smarter yet?

Everyman's Guide to Computer Speak

The time has come for a plain and basic guide to computer terms. A list of meanings that really express what people feel is needed. The following is just that. It is something designed for those wanting to know what the "big words" and not so big words really mean.




BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer! "

DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.

ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look. "

EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").

HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.

RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.

TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.

TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up."

Funny Definitions

Below is a list of  Washington Post  winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. 

The winners were:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

I think these are very funny. Do you have any more to add? I am thinking of starting a collection.

Favorite Quotes from the Past Year or So

Below are some of my favorite quotes collected from various bits of reading over the past year. Quotations also have the Source and Author because I don't want anyone thinking they're just made up.


Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) US writer and humorist. Found this on a desk calendar and am still chuckling:  "All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."


G. H. Hardy English mathematician (1877 - 1947). A quip from an essay about democracy I was reading on Wikipedia. Sometimes humor points out the flaws in a concept to quickly:
"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."


Oscar Wilde always good but this one is like a sharp pin: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."


H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 - 1956) "All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it."


Anatole France  "To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture."


Kurt Herbert Alder "Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right."


Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance "There is an evil tendency underlying all our technology - the tendency to do what is reasonable even when it isn't any good."


Orson Welles from a biography in an online movie Database: "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."


George Bernard Shaw "Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability."


British actor Peter Ustinov "It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously."


Doris Egan "Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people."


Capt Jack Harkness last episode of Torchwood "The end is where we start!"


Kurt Vonnegut in an Encyclopedia of ScFi "One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us."


William James (not a Dons Party quote) "A great many people think they are thinking when they are actually rearranging their prejudices."  


Quotes are quite collectible. I like new ones so let me know of any worth chasing up.